No veggies, I’m being grateful over here

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I pause and think about how great I’ve got it, and then I eat too much, drink too much and collapse in a heap in front of the television. Gratitude, gluttony and sloth. Yes sir, I can do that!

I’m putting a little spin on the menu this year. I’m declaring a Vegetableless Thanksgiving. I like veggies fine, but I only hold so much, and I want every bite to drip with louche self-indulgence. Fill up on broccoli on my favorite day of the year? Not hardly!

I did my T’day shopping at Whole Foods this year (or, as I like to call it, the Pretentious Hippie Store). They grievously overcharge for everything, but they do sell some exceptionally good food. I like to go there wearing my shabbiest jeans and sneakers and an NRA t-shirt. At a glance, I fit in fine, but there’s the occasional satisfying “pop!” when the logo registers with someone.

So I’m starting with half a pound of cocktail shrimp, to keep me company while I cook. Then its a two-pound turkey filet rubbed with rosemary and something else gay. I forget. I cannot beLIEVE I paid $6.99 a pound for turkey (I thought capitalism was evil or something), but I bought one of these suckers last year and it was a treat. And just enough leftovers. Herb seasoned stuffing with Jimmy Dean extra hot country sausage and sauteed onions. My stuffing makes the sweat bead along your forehead. My grandmother used to form stuffing into patties so they were crispy on the outside. I may try that, once they’ve absorbed some turkey goo. White dinner rolls soaked in Danish butter. I go to whole foods and pay through the nose for Lurpak butter. It’s a good butter but, more importantly, it’s one of the few products I can buy that I know comes directly from Daneland. Yeah, I’m still sore after the whole Cartoon Wars thing. Finally, a tiny pumpkin pie. Yes, okay, pumpkin is technically a vegetable, but once baked into a pie, it sheds vegetable status and officially becomes an indulgence.

I was going to get a bottle of champers to go with, but my boss recommended a Prosecco. It’s an Italian sparkling wine. Wikipedia describes it as having a “characteristic bitter aftertaste” — which sounds excellent. I am ALL about the characteristic bitter aftertaste. I would’ve gotten the stuff to make the cocktail versions, but this was a moderately expensive Prosecco, so perhaps it’s just as well I get the proper taste of it.

“The cocktail Bellini, made with sparkling wine and peach juice, and the cocktail poinsettia, made with a mixture of sparkling white wine, vodka, and cranberry juice, should properly be made with Prosecco wine.” — Wikipedia

And leave us not forget the most cherished and sacred of all American Thanksgiving rituals. I mean, of course, the SpikeTV Thanksgiving Bond-A-Thon. The schedule is looking a little sparse this year. I could’ve sworn I saw Goldfinger alone, like, twenty times last year (and it just gets richer and more nuanced Every Damn Time). So, as my T’day gift to you, here’s this year’s schedule distilled to its essence (regular programming is sandwiched between these showtimes, sadly illustrating the steady erosion of this most vital American tradition).

Thursday
10am On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969)
1:30pm You Only Live Twice (1967)
4:30pm The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)
12:30am License to Kill (1989)

Friday
10am License to Kill (1989)
1pm Moonraker (1979)
4pm A View to a Kill (1985)
9pm Goldfinger (1964)
1am The Living Daylights (1987)

Saturday
2:30pm From Russia with Love (1963)
5pm For Your Eyes Only (1981)
8pm Octopussy (1983)
1am Never Say Never Again (1983)

Sunday
1:30pm Dr. No (1963)
4pm Thunderball (1965)
8pm Die Another Day (2002)
1am Die Another Day (2002)

Okay, here we go. This is going to be GREAT! See you on the other side of a bottle of Prosecco (mmmm….characteristic bitter aftertaste).