Monthly Archives: December 2006

A Very Eric Cartman Christmas

  The tragic consequences of permitting two drunken imbeciles to decorate a Christmas tree. Eh. You should’ve seen the Buying of the Turkey. There was much Sturm. And maybe a bit of Drang, too. I didn’t want a whole turkey, because you know what they do here? They snap off their feet and cram the […]

More Jolly Fun with Google Maps

Stupid to explore Britain with Google Maps when I’m, like, in Britain, but Dave in Texas reminded me of Stonehenge and I got to Googling. First time I saw Stonehenge, I didn’t know that was where we were going. I had no idea where we were. We topped a rise or came around a corner […]

The Weasel Has Landed

Image nicked from: Image Science and Analysis Laboratory, NASA-Johnson Space Center. 10 Jul. 2006. “Astronaut Photography of Earth – Display Record.” Heavily P’shopped by an weasel. I love to fly over cities at night. Young American cities, with their planned layout and straight, symmetrical roads, look like giant, lit-up circuit boards or glowing machinery. I […]


I’m flying to London tomorrow — a six-hour flight, but a day-long ordeal. I fly from Boston Logan to London Heathrow and back again after the holidays. While I’m not a nervous traveler, these two airports are a little too popular with the Friends of Mohammed for my taste, if you know what I mean. […]

Donald Rumsfeld…Statesman, Patriot, Heartthrob

So, he’s gone. Okay, I’m just going to come out and say what I know we’re all thinking: I want to have Donald Rumsfeld’s babies. If somebody had to pay the price for this election, why couldn’t it be Nicole Richie? Or that guy in Research with the stupid bow ties?   “Oh, Lord. I […]

The Physics of Boobies

Picture to yourself the classic pinup of a naked lady in full, feline stretch, with her arms locked behind her head. If you ever see this for real, in the wild, you must not allow the lady to lower her arms. To demonstrate why, we will need a diagram. Imagine a bowling ball with a […]

Woooo! Woo woo! Woooo!

Do you guys ever check your own websites to see if there are any interesting new posts? I don’t mean comments. And when there’s not, I’m all, like, “awwww damnit! I drive this bus!” I’m trying to squeeze out one a day for you, but I know I won’t manage it consistently because…you know. Lazy […]

The hundredth macaca

Raising awareness. Has there ever been an activity more utterly fucking pointless? If you want to do something to fix, say, breast cancer, you could become a doctor or a biochemist or something. You could give money to the Breast Cancer Research Foundation. Or, you know, ask your mom if she’s had a breast exam […]

Give generously to the Salvation Army

No, I mean it. My grandmother made me promise I’d never pass a Salvation Army kettle without putting a quarter in. Grandma was a nasty old bird and this was her way of predicting I would end my days as a guest of that venerable Christian establishment. But SA is one of my favorite charities, […]


That squeak. It wasn’t the heater fan going dodgy. It was some poor rodent Damien crippled and brought in the house. Bigger than a mouse, smaller than a rat…more woodland creature than filthy vermin. Black button eyes, shiny with fear. Cute. Disney. Fuck. Damien apparently did bad things to its spine, then laid it outside […]