Google Reflux — Weasel’s Greatest (Search Engine) Hits

One of the pleasures of running a web site (or “mastering web” as we prefer to call it) is following the incoming search engine links. Yes, I get to see the search terms that bring people here to my own personal corner of hell (or “the internet” as we prefer to call it).

I apparently got spidered into Google on November 26, and my very first hit from a search engine was on the word “weasel.” Awwwwwww. I wonder how the hell many pages into a “weasel” search you’d have to go to turn up a brand new blog? Somebody was desperate…and yet, so very vague.

Web search engines have a bad habit of ignoring proximity and putting two words together if either appears anywhere on a site. This is both lame and occasionally hilarious. Here are some of my favorite unintended juxtapositions. I’ll sticky this thing on the sidebar and update it at the end of the month.

November 2006

 

japan panty pulling happy — You, Sir or Madam (but almost certainly Sir), disgust me
johnny weasel and the stoats — Oh, yeah! Is there such a band? I couldn’t find it either. Sorry.
Dead Spiders Smells — Yes, with the capitalization like that. Brrrrr.
weasel farm — I got two hits on this! New home-based business?
arguing over the internet is stupid — Yes. It is.
what to do if a weasel attacks — Truly, I have no idea. Good luck!
heroic ways to die — Ummmm…Christmas shopping?

UPDATE: December 2006

 

weasels what do they do when it is spring — shall I tell you? It’s naughty!
1/35 M 29 WEASEL — impenetrable
cat ate poinsettia — this one’s worried me for weeks
what does a weasel look like — come closer, darlin’
weasel attack — what, again?
suffers mean — ummmm…what?
weasel cartoons tic tic — errrrr…huh?
stoats in texas — in Texas, they’re weasels. And extremely large.
weasel hard to fly — yes, weasel VERY hard to fly. Please do not throw weasel out window
christmas weasel — jingle stoats
JANET JACKON — as opposed to JANET JACKOFF
flaming eyeball — ow.
cleanest mouth of a animal — not the weasel, I reckon
that that that woooo — ahhhhh…yesssss
you’re so retarded — thenk yew
gif photo missing.gif — I think this guy is looking for the “any” key
why is the world so retarded? — I don’t know! Tell me!
man squeeze boobies — weasel shake head

I got numerous other hits on “boobies” variations — droopy, perky or otherwise (I’m the Number One Google hit on a search of “droopy boobies”! Taste my triumph!). I got asked about panty pulling in India, America and Japan (enough to look it up — it involves sneaking up behind girls on the street and yanking their panties down. Not guilty, yer Honor). I got a hit on “vagina” and another on “vulva” — which makes you wonder how the hell many pages of links those guys sampled before hitting S. Weasel.

UPDATE: January 2007

 

do weasels like mayonnaise — yes, but rub it in gently
pull the weasel — like “pull my finger” but stinkier
lady boobie — forgotten character from Mr Rogers’ Neighborhood of Makebelieve
jew weasel — ummmm
white butty — hmmmm
Woman pee toilet photos wikipedia — oh dear
where\’s the space moon tonight — the space moon. Niiiiice.
What does the weasel animal look like? — any English speakers on the intertubes?
diagram of a boobie — it’s my science project, Mom!
stinking panty — damn, I attract a nice crowd
Pine Marten wrap — keep your pine marten springtime fresh!
stoats attack people — it’s the stinking panties, is why
Weasel and Grandma — awwwww
difficult moral dilemmas — yeah, you hit a gold mine here
pee weasel — when you gotta go, you gotta go
sweet short morning phrases — sex me!
“she slept with the president” — I…ummm…what?
sori bohemian weasel — I looked it up. I really am the #1 hit for this.

The usual crowd of panty pullers and fans of Janet Jackon (sans the ‘s’). I continue to hold the lead for butties and combinations of “islam” and “retarded.” I have, however, fallen to sixth place in a search of “droopy boobies.” Ah, fame — how fleety is your fleetingness.

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5 Comments

  1. Posted December 2, 2006 at 8:36 pm | Permalink

    So, I was arguing over the internet with some stupid Japanese panty puller, who was happy to suggest heroic ways to for me to die; his Uncle Johnny owns a weasel farm and told him what to do if a weasel attacks: act like a dead spider who smells and the stoats will leave you in peace.

  2. Posted January 8, 2007 at 6:10 pm | Permalink

    I am so totally stealing this idea.

  3. Posted January 8, 2007 at 6:20 pm | Permalink

    It ain’t original. Or, at least, it ain’t exclusive.

  4. Posted January 11, 2007 at 6:50 pm | Permalink

    Yours are waaaay better than mine, what a riot! I tend to snag people who are 1) paranoid schizophrenics, and 2) want to make “knockout gas” in their kitchens. Yay.

  5. Posted February 17, 2007 at 11:03 pm | Permalink

    Hello Mr Weasel
    I’d expect to be #1 hit for my own site – unless people really are typing in Sori instead of ‘Soni’. Ah, so close.
    But I hope you’ll offer tea to the lost waifs and strays; I’ll be sure to do the same for those who accidentally wander into my domain when seeking yours.
    Keep up the good work, sir. Viva les weasels.
    xx


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