Zombie Spider

I don’t like spiders. Okay? I admit it. I don’t mind bugs, but there’s something about spiders…the way their abdomens are so swollen and shiny. The way their legs are so thin and bent at creepy angles. The way they sloooooowly step across a surface and then suddenly skitter really fast.

They keep making horror movies about tarantulas. That is so missing the point. Tarantulas are almost cute. Practically puppies.

So of course my house is full of spiders. I don’t kill them. I guess they serve a purpose. Anyway, I’m afraid to admit I’m afraid of them. We have a bargain: I quietly move them out of my way, and they…hey, come to think of it, they don’t bargain. Bastards.

They’re mostly little teeny guys that don’t bother me. Lately, though, I’ve noticed two big boys. One is most often over my sock drawer and the other over the sink. I know this because they suddenly drop down from the ceiling and hang right at eye level. Probably I startle them into dropping; it’s fucking mutual. I’ll be all, “ho hum, guess I’ll get me some sockssSSSSSHIT!

Last night I notice Sink Spider has…ummm…sunk. He miscalculated his bungee or something and landed in a pyrex bowl full of water. He drifted to the bottom, wadded up in a ball on his back. Good-oh. I can ignore the dishes tonight. I tipped the bowl out in the sink to let him dry. Gelatinous disintegrating dead spider would make my top ten list of Icky Things to Touch.

I come back an hour later, and he’s looking pretty good. Did I tip him right way up? I don’t remember. But he’s not curled up; he’s standing.

I blow on him. Nothing. I poke him with a fork…I think he moved! I poked #1 leg right and #3 leg left made a little languid wave. Like, “dude, have I not been through enough today?” Maybe it’s just a reflex.

I can’t make up my mind. I tried to take a picture, but my camera doesn’t like to focus that close. And he’s standing in a field of coffee grounds making my sink look viler than it really is.

I don’t know. Maybe spiders can survive immersion. Don’t they get wet when it rains?

This morning, he looks much the same. I slid an envelope under him and he listed to starboard, but he’s still standing. I put him on top of the fridge to keep him out of my way, but that may turn out to be a bad idea. That’s right at eye level. I keep my booze in the freezer compartment at the top. I have a feeling I’m going to forget he’s there tonight and I’ll be all “ho hum. I guess I’ll get me some vodkaaaAAAAAAAH!”



  1. Posted November 20, 2006 at 9:47 pm | Permalink

    Spiders can smell fear. I thought weasels were omnivorous?

  2. Posted November 21, 2006 at 4:27 am | Permalink

    Not very. I’ve seen pictures of them eating fruit, but the ones I know in captivity live on a steady died of dead chicks and bunny asses. What animal got the upper half of the bunny, I do not know, but the stoats got the bottoms.

    Oh, dear. I hope they were for eating.

  3. Posted November 22, 2006 at 9:57 am | Permalink

    I kill spiders with impunity. I loathe them.

    Amusing post!

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