Tell Me Something I Don’t Know

No, really. That’s why I’m listening to the news. For news. Something new. Something I didn’t know before I tuned in to your shabby, low-rent excuse for a news program.

I don’t know why I bother at election time. It’s always worth getting the candidates themselves to talk (the longer they do that, the more likely something interesting will fall out of — or into — their mouths). It could conceivably be pointful to interview a generic political analyst during campaign season — if the ones they picked were not such unutterable leftard lame-o’s. But it will never, ever-ever-ever be of the slightest interest to give face time to party representatives, campaign managers or anyone else whose job it is to doodle happy faces on bad poll numbers and kick the other guy under the table when no-one’s looking.

The word for political operatives who tell the truth all the time is “unemployed.” It’s the nature of the job. Sure, when the camera cuts to Bob C. Smellypoliticalhack, we long to hear this come out of his mouth “yes, I saw the poll numbers this morning, and our guy is clearly toast. We have to stay in it to the end and keep talking tough, though. Spend some money. And maybe, if we’re lucky, sling enough shit on the other guy to damage him a little and diminish his effectiveness.”

But it’s like that other dream you have, the one where you can fly: stupid.

You know what he’d really say. You’ve heard it dozens of times. Say it with me. “The only poll that matters is the one in November.”

Gaaaaah. I’m watching cartoons until Wednesday.


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